Short Jokes

• My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
• My neighbour thinks it’s fine to sunbathe nude in the garden. Her husband disagrees. Personally, I'm on the fence.
• I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
• What do you call a poorly done circumcision? A bloody rip-off.
• Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
• A woman walks into a bookstore and asks "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
  
  Slim to Nun?
• My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. He's only got his shelf to blame.
• An elderly couple was attending a church service. The lady turned towards her husband and said, ‘‘I just let out a really long silent fart. What should I do?’’
  
  The man smiled and said to her, ‘‘honey, your hearing aid needs a battery replacement.’’
• I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares. It's nice to have a little company.
• Shhh... what's that smell? It looks like it tastes pointy.
• My friend thinks he's so smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut in his face.
• A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. So she stuck her head out and said, "yes, no, yes, no, yes...
• The only thing flat-Earthers fear is sphere itself.
• I recently went to a theme park. Seemed like the theme was: "Wait in line, fatty."
• A computer programmer goes to the store; his wife tells him: "Buy a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen." He comes home with twelve gallons of milk.
• My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
• My friend asked me if I like Worcestershire sauce. I said, "I dunno. It's hard to say."
• I saw an ad for a burial plot. I though, "That's the last thing I need."
• A truck loaded with thousands of thesauruses crashed yesterday and lost its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered surprised, awed, and dumbfounded.
• Wife: "You need to do more chores around the house."
  
  Husband: "Can we change the subject?"
  
  Wife: "OK. More chores around the house need to be done by you."
• Two guys are rowing a boat in the desert. One guy says, "where's your oars." Other guy goes, "yup, sure does."
• My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.