Dirty Long Jokes

• A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely". To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies, "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So Billy replies, "Then I definitely just shit my pants."
• Little Billy goes out fishing with his grandpa on a rowboat. They're out there for a while fishing, and Grandpa pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. Little Billy goes, "hey Granpda, can I have a sip of that beer?" Grandpa goes, "does you dick touch your balls, little Billy?" Little Billy looks down and says, "no, Grandpa, it doesn't." "Grandpa goes, "well you can't have a sip of my beer." They keep fishing and after a little while longer Grandpa pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking it. Little Billy goes, "hey Grandpa, can I have a puff of that cigarette?" Grandpa goes, "does your dick touch your balls, Billy?" Billy looks down again and says, "no, Grandpa, it doesn't." Grandpa says, "then you're not having a puff of my cigarette." They keep on fishing, and after a while little Billy pulls out a candy bar and starts eating it. Grandpa goes, "hey little Billy, can I have a bite of that cigarette?" Little Billy goes, "does your dick touch your balls, Grandpa?" Proudly, Grandpa goes, "why, yes, it sure does." So Little Billy goes, "great, then go fuck yourself."
• One day when Lois Lane is out of town, Superman is out flying around look for some beef to plow. He flies by a building and sees a naked woman on her bed writhing around. Superman gets pumped, and faster than the speed of light he flies into her room, fucks her nearly instantly, and flies out. The woman is like, "what the hell was that?!" And Invisible Man goes, "I don't know, but my ass hurts."
• A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $1" and then below that, another sign that reads "Handjobs $2". He looks around for the bartender but the only other person he can see is a really attractive woman, about 25 years old, with huge tits, at the end of the bar. He walks up to her and asks "Excuse me, but are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She replies in a sexy voice, "Why yes, I am.” The guys says, "Well go wash your hands then, I want a sandwich."
• A gay couple wants to have a kid, so they each cum in a cup and mix it around. Then they get an egg and put the cum and the egg in a surrogate to carry the baby. Nine Months later the baby is born, and the couple is at the hospital, and they're in the room where all the babies are. The gay couple notices that all the other babies are crying except for theirs, and they go, “Wow our baby isn’t even cryng,” and the nurse goes, “Just wait until they take the pacifier out of his ass.”
• Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two assholes....'"
• Three pregnant women visited a hospital to check the gender of their babies. While chatting in the waiting room, one lady said she’s sure hers is a boy because she was on the bottom during sex. The second one went ahead to say that hers will be a girl because she was on top. The third one, a blonde, remarked ‘‘I can’t wait to see my puppies then!’’
• A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing it. The bartender says, “Where did you find that?” “There’s a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes,” the man replies. The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, “I wish for a million bucks!” All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky. Confused, the bartender shouts, “I said bucks, not ducks!” The man shrugs. “Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”
• Johnny was sitting in math class one day when his teacher called on him to answer a question. She asked, “If there were five birds sitting on a fence and you fired a gun at one of them, how many would be left?” “None,” Johnny replied, “because the others would all fly away”. “The answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you think." “Now I have a question for you,” said Johnny. “Three women are sitting in an ice cream parlor. One is looking at her ice cream, one is biting hers, and the third is licking it. Which one is married?” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the third one”. “It’s the one wearing the wedding ring,” Johnny replies, “but I like the way you think!”
• A man walks into a pub and sits down next to an old man, who looks pretty sad. He asks him what’s wrong. The old man replies, “See this pub? I crafted these bricks in my own kiln, laid the foundations and built the whole thing myself! But do they call me Alan the Bricklayer? No!” He points out of the window. “See that fence? I chopped down the trees, hammered the nails and put the whole thing together. But do they call me Alan the Fence Builder? No!” Then he says, “See that beer you’re drinking? I brewed it myself, using my own special recipe that has been handed down through my family for generations. But do they call me Alan the Beer Brewer? No!” He slammed his fist on the bar and sighed. “But you make love to a sheep one time...”