Tom Jokes

• The squirrels must be expecting a cold winter, they're gathering more nuts this year. Yesterday my uncle disapeared.
• I have a Polish sound man for my band, and a Czech one too.
• Poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they're a solid #2.
• I've been trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are hard to find.
• I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park. She sells C cells by the seesaw.
• Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. Just look at Beethoven, everyone told him he would never be a musician, just because he was deaf. But did he listen?
• I just finished writing a book on penguins. It probably would have been easier to write it on paper.
• Guy takes his 5 year old daughter to work for "take your daughter to work day." He introduces her to everyone and all are welcoming and charming. When he gets to the last of his office workmates, his daughter asks, "Is that it?"
  
  "Yes, Princess, that's all the folks I work with." She begins crying, sobbing, and weeping. "What's wrong, Pumpkin?" he asks.
  
  "You lied to me Daddy, you lied to me!!"
  
  "What do you mean, Honey?"
  
  "The clowns! The clowns! Where are all the clowns you said you worked with everyday?!"
• My girlfriend was yelling at me today, saying, "YOU WEREN"T EVEN LISTENING TO WHAT I WAS SAYING!"
  
  I thought, "Wow, what a weird was to start a conversation."
• I came home from the golf course today, and my wife left a note on the fridge. It said: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore! I went to stay with my mother."
  
  I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold... What the hell is she taking about?
• I got a new thesaurus, but it's terrible! It's just... terrible!
• "Do not touch must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.
• I spotted an albino dalmation yesterday. It was the least I could do.
• Sometimes I just want to live simply in the woods and meditate on life and humanity; but I guess I'd just be Thoreauing my life away.
• Believing in 12.5 % of the Bible makes you an eight theist.